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I sincerely hope you get stung by a jelly fish so I can finally pee on you without having to explain myself to the authorities. 
Waiting for someone to tell you they love you is like listening for windchimes in a hurricane.
In my next life, I pray Zinggers don't taste so good.
We all could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
When you want things to be done, give them to a man, but when you want things to be discussed, hand them over to a woman!
Don't stare at me. Because then I have to stare back at you and, why make me suffer?
if I had a dollar for everytime I wished I had a dollar....
Remember give everything a chance.. That way later in life you can look back and say you give it a shot..
Playing with her heart is lame. Decide what you want the girl or the game.
In my house, relationships go sour before a gallon of milk does...
it might just be me, but oranges from the tree at the cemetary seem a little sweeter.
Like a good neighbor, State farm is there.. With two neeighborhood kids to shovel my driveway................ Aww man! that Sh*t don't work!
$60 to fill my gas tank last night. It's the apocalypse!!! I'm going to Walmart, buying me a water hose and I'm going on a siphon spree.........
If you watch Lord Of The Rings backwards it's about a little guy who finds a really cool ring in a volcano and spends the rest of the film walking home.
You stopped at a gas station for a pee break? C'mon, Ryan Lochte ,,, you spent 90 percent of your life in a public pool.
Kid Rock wants to run for president. It's official. Our country is a joke.
There are hot Shingles in your area – My Doctor
Since the medica frowns on using the term "Chinese virus" or "Kung Flu", please use the following instead: Wuhan Weezer, Boomer Doomer, or the Holocough.
People who go out to to socialize can be compared to zombies, who are also not thinking.
Could it be I'm already thinking about my Thanksgiving dinner? Because it appears to me that Rudy is sweating gravy... 