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I'm from Canada, but they kicked me out 'cause I wasn't sorry. 
No one knows you better than your browser.
The hardest part of any relationship is when it's not your turn to talk.
Don't take life laying down. That is, unless you're a prostitute. . .
Last New Years I resolved to lose five pounds...I only have ten to go...
My clothing style today will be sh*t I'm running late, with accessories from the sh*t its cold collection, with a hint of I don't give a sh*t.
If you’re going to walk on thin ice, you may as well dance....
So.. since when did the Government have closing hours. I think it's time for a civilian take over. . .
Interviewer: Why should you work here? Waiter: I believe I am capable of bringing a lot to the table. Interviewer: Can you start Monday?
You're not the sharpest knife in my back.
Stop, drop and roll won't work in hell.
I grew up poor in the 80's. My whole family had to share one headband.
The jerk store called. Instead of texting. Typical
I see your Zimmerman and raise you a Casey Anthony
Driving would be much more entertaining if there were no yellow lights
I was watching what I thought was a documentary on Hindu Gods; they featured that strange one that looks like a bizarre elephant. Turns out it was a Rosie O'Donnell interview.
I have an eating disorder, where I eat dis order,,, and dat order,,, and dis other order on the next table.
Well the news reports that a Tibetan Mastiff was purchased in China for 2 Million Dollars. Some one over there is about to eat the most expensive authentic Chinese Meal they've ever had today.
Ladies; you’re all crazy and men are idiots. You just need to find the idiot that matches your crazy.
He said "Your obsession with cats is out of control. I can't handle it anymore." She cried, "You're kicking meeeowt?" 