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"Filmed in front of a live studio audience"? I guess thats better than in front of a bunch of zombies. 
I'll be your life coach. Stand up straight. Don't ever wear that in public. Speak properly. That will be 800 dollars. Cash.
*John Madden circles my face on the telestrator..... "Now here's a guy who sits down when he pees."
The 78th Rule of Fight Club: When it’s your turn to bring the snacks, be respectful of your peers’ food allergies.
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you're really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
I'm white but not "I enjoy engaging people in discussions about antioxidants" white.
when your opponent puts up their fists to fight they expose their hips. grab them and you can slow dance for at least 2 seconds
If I had to choose between ending world hunger, or having Kimye forever banished to Siberia, I'm sorry, but there would still be a lot of hungry people around. Just sayin'...
We have so much in common, you want to travel, I want you to go.
Apparently “bae” means “before anyone else.” I always thought it was an extremely ghetto word for “babe”...
I think it's important to have a fitness plan you can actually stick to, which is precisely why mine is to become shipwrecked.
I love you so much that if I had to choose between the last bottle of vodka in the world and you, I would make a toast in your honor.
So, this guy left work a little bit ago for a cataract removal Since he's Japanese, Ihave no idea if he needs eye surgery or his escalade towed.
Well sadly,,, The irony of being a horse, is that if you lift weights for a whole year,, you will still only have 1 horsepower.. Next question
The average whale swallows 8 octopuses in its sleep every year.
I don’t chase after men. I don’t even walk after them.
The speed and graphics on Microsoft Windows 10 is gonna be SO GOOD we'll be able to down load twice the social anxiety disorders in HALF the time...!!!!
FYI ladies: I've been to fb jail twice this week. So if you're into bad boys get at me. But not tonight cause I have knitting class.
People who play tough on the Internet are my favorite losers.
I have an appointment with a psychiatrist over some rental property I just acquired. I think I have an apartment complex. 