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It's not my fault I'm dyslexic, it's in my NDA. 
Forget having a gun or a knife. If you want to rob me, just threaten to throw glitter on my clothes.
Dear Americans, you think Obama is bad? google 'Jacob Zuma' - South Africans
I just put my left hand in the friend zone
I hate people who write things on the internet that are passive-aggressively focused on a single person. You know who you are.
When all the women of twitter's periods finally synch, the world is over.
Me: *places anti-diarrheal medication on checkout counter... Cashier: "Would you like a bag?"... Me: "No, I'll just go at home."
Bernie Sanders talks a lot of about free government programs, he's just wondering who will pay for his medications?
Kiss me I'm Irish, put a little tongue in it, I'm French too.
My neighbor stopped me while I was mowing to brag about his new mower, I said thats all good and well but I still have a bigger deck...
I've decided to become Transhandicap so I can park anywhere I want too.
When I was a kid, I really thought piranhas were going to be pretty much a daily concern.
So ummmm I wonder if Bruce Jenner will get a discount from the Kardashian make up and hair line
My 4 year old refers to the solar system as, "God's Balls". Google THAT science....
"I'd hit that" ~ Old people that drive.
This Fall...Bruce Jenner, Kim Kardashian, North Kardashian West, Khloe Kardashian & Kylie Jenner star in "The Kar-Crashians" only on E!
Adulthood is fun because by the time you're finally old enough to go out whenever you want you're too tired to do it.
Having your caller ID blocked is a great way to advertise your personality disorder. -Anonymous
There are writers who always give the best relationship advice, but are still single.
Listen buddy I don't come down to the Being A Stupid Piece Of Sh*t Factory and tell you how to do your job 