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You say "kiss ass," I say "rim job enthusiast." 
"I felt as useful as a juice box without a straw" - Lyrics from my country music song about parenting
"The Lucky One"?, More like the unlucky one's who get dragged to that movie by their gf or spouse.
My karma punch card is going to be full after today:)
When money 'talks' nobody checks the grammar..
NFL Draft tonight....can't wait to hear the Jets fans moan about their 1st choice!
What I do when I'm hungry: ( ) get up and get food (x) moan like a dying whale until someone feeds me
I wish Monday was a figment of my imagination.
I need a bigger grill. And I'm not talking about the gold bubba teeth.
I am the author of my life, Unfortunately I am writing in pen, So I cant erase my mistakes
I have been watching that new reality show on the History channel...I had no idea that Bill Paxton hated Kevin Costner....
Just when Justin Bieber was gaining street creds by roughing up that photographer, he goes and knocks himself out.
I kicked Today in the face!!
If you can't spell "their/there/they're" then your parents need to go back to your high school and demand a refund.
Love is blind but hate has perfect 20/20 vision.
Sex is a great way to calm down after a long, stressful day at work. Being a good friend, I'm always available to provide relaxing support.
It's not my fault you didn't read my warning label.
I'm being blackmailed by my memory foam mattress.
A Life ?! Where can I download one of those?
Nothing screws up your Friday more than realizing it's only Tuesday. 