Funny Status Messages

   I remember when the M in MTV stood for Music not Maternity.

   I liked you better before we met.

   My local post office uses four checkouts unless it's really busy; then they use one.

   This bottle of beer is not only delicious,,,, It also contains almost 10% of my daily requirement of beer...

   "Hello modelling agency?" "Yeah, my Facebook photo has 27 likes and I think I'm ready to go pro."

   Ain't no sandwich when she's gone.

   It's amazing how little information I need on someone before I decide I don't like them!!!

   Pretty sure I know what my GF is getting me for Christmas. When I guessed, "a threesome?" she got all angry like I'd ruined the surprise.

   If you put root beer in a square cup, do you get beer?......................... (you smart people grinned didn't you.)

   I remember when my old Nokia phone said I had low battery it meant that I had 2 days to find a charger.

   Whenever someone asks me to sign their cast, I always write: 'last warning, you have a week to get the money together.'

   my internet was down for almost 4 mins,im ok but the 911 operator was a total b**ch about it!

   Good rule of thumb: if you see an adult riding a children’s bicycle, you’re probably in a bad neighborhood.

   First that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!

   Did you know? Its impossible to say “Good Eye Might” without sounding Australian? LIKE if you tried.

   I hate it when people repost statuses. By the way, I'm gathering rocks to throw at you.

   Guy's and girls have different ways of cleaning the toilet. girls uses a scrub brush while a guy pisses as hard as he can on the poop stains.

   I got a letter in the mail saying I was pre-approved for a Walmart Credit Card. Not sure if I should be honored or ashamed.

   I hate when I'm set on running a yellow light and the person in front of me chickens out.

   My girlfriend has a weird fetish, she likes to dress up like herself and act like a b!tch every night.