Funny Status Messages

   It's amazing how little information I need on someone before I decide I don't like them!!!

   Pretty sure I know what my GF is getting me for Christmas. When I guessed, "a threesome?" she got all angry like I'd ruined the surprise.

   "Hello modelling agency?" "Yeah, my Facebook photo has 27 likes and I think I'm ready to go pro."

   Ain't no sandwich when she's gone.

   If you put root beer in a square cup, do you get beer?......................... (you smart people grinned didn't you.)

   Good rule of thumb: if you see an adult riding a children’s bicycle, you’re probably in a bad neighborhood.

   my internet was down for almost 4 mins,im ok but the 911 operator was a total b**ch about it!

   I remember when my old Nokia phone said I had low battery it meant that I had 2 days to find a charger.

   Whenever someone asks me to sign their cast, I always write: 'last warning, you have a week to get the money together.'

   First that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!

   Did you know? Its impossible to say “Good Eye Might” without sounding Australian? LIKE if you tried.

   I hate it when people repost statuses. By the way, I'm gathering rocks to throw at you.

   Guy's and girls have different ways of cleaning the toilet. girls uses a scrub brush while a guy pisses as hard as he can on the poop stains.

   I got a letter in the mail saying I was pre-approved for a Walmart Credit Card. Not sure if I should be honored or ashamed.

   I hate when I'm set on running a yellow light and the person in front of me chickens out.

   Headline on TMZ: "SHOCKING Nude Photos of Paris Hilton Leaked.” Seriously TMZ, if you really want to shock us, try leaking some photos of Paris reading a book

   My new boss: Those cigarettes will kill you. Me: My Great-Grandfather lived to be 102. Boss: Smoking? Me: Minding his own business.

   If you can't say anything nice.....we're probably related.

   The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.

   I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.