Funny Status Messages

   The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list...

   Dear other countries, we can't explain Jersey Shore's popularity either.

   I admit I am from the old school, but since when did bathrooms become photobooths?

   Putting your phone away and paying attention to those talking to you? There's an damn App for that. It's called "respect".

   - I was going to give you a nasty look, but I see you already have one.

   I like to walk around the fair with a giant stuffed animal I brought from home, ‘cause I need people to think I'm a winner.

   You don't have to like me. I'm not a facebook status.

   Learn to appreciate what you have, before time makes you appreciate what you had.

   You've just gotta love that awkward moment when you start telling a story and you realize no one's listening, so you slowly fade out and pretend you never said anything.

   Things that must stop - Women drawing on their eyebrows and having to go to the bathroom just to change expressions.

   In real life, I never know when danger is coming because the music doesn't change.

   Write the name of someone you hate on your body every day in permanent marker, so no matter how you die they'll become a suspect.

   Happy Father's Day Dad! Whoever you are...

   My car goes from 0 to 60 in five minutes.

   A jealous woman does better research than the FBI....

   If I share my food with you, its either because I love you a lot, or because it fell on the floor and I don't want it.

   There's nothing more awkward then asking "who is this" when getting a heartfelt holiday text.

   Stupidity: Running over a string 10 times with the vacuum cleaner, picking it up, looking at it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.

   Steven Tyler is quitting American Idol after two seasons! I sure am going to miss that old lady!!!

   My dream job would have two desks — one for work and one for flipping over in blind rages.