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If you ABSOLUTELY need to own an Apple iWatch, I don't think we can be friends. 
what do you call a nun with alzheimers?? a roamin catholic.
I let a Jehovahs Witness in my home, I sat him down and said, ‘what do you have to tell me?’ he said, ‘I don’t know, never made it this far
I love my UPS guy. He's a drug dealer and doesn't even know it.
Roses are red Violets are blue Sunflowers are yellow I bet you were expecting something romantic but no this is just plain old gardening facts.
My pregnant blond girlfriend found out she was having twins, she started cry, and said I don't want to wait 18 months for twins to be born.
My dog is following me around. He's either loyal or he's waiting for the right moment to shank me and make a break for it.
I went to the paint store to get thinner... but I haven't lost any weight yet
As the world focuses on KONY 2012, which is a good project, let's remember the THOUSANDS on welfare that are out buying a Lexus!!
can I see your license and registration meow?
When I'm bored I like to put on a grim reaper costume and stand across the street from the nursing home and wave at the old folks...
The Honeymooners, The Flintstones, The King Of Queens, The Simpsons and The Family Guy. They all star big dudes with thin chicks. THANKS FOR RUINING IT FOR US, MIKE N' MOLLY!
Me: It smells like upsexy in here. Girl: What's 'upsexy'? Me: Oh nothing much
Be thankful for everything you have. There is always somebody out there that is less fortunate then you. Hope everyone have a wonderful Thanksgiving!
50,000 gather at Rockefeller Center to witness public execution of 74-year old tree.
Are we still saving whales? My basement is getting pretty full.
busier than the drummer of Def Leppard.
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.....
Dear Santa, I don't recall asking for a bigger butt for Christmas. It's not that I don't appreciate all the gifts that you brought me, but I'd just like to know... can I exchange it for a smaller size?
I think the best nicknames are the ones people don't know they have. 