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Money doesn't buy happiness! Hold on, let me finish scratching these Lotto tickets. 
I'm by no means an athlete, but I just did a perfect Triple Lutz getting out of my hammock
people either say i'm "pretty funny" or "pretty smart" but they always forget the word "and"
It's hotter outside than a Salma Hayek lap dance.
Some things just don't go together, like drinking and driving or pissing and sneezing!!
This years summer swimsuit look = busted can of biscuits.
keep you attitude inside your underwear it will be useful for your upcoming generation
Am I the only one who reads my spam email and after reading the subject line of one that says, "we have unclaimed funds got you", mutters, "yeah, sure you do."?
Go Home Eclipse!! You are Drunk!!
The Quickest way to get a person to call you back. Take a bath.
In horror movies, why does everyone reach for the doorknob in super slow motion? It not like the killer behind the door won't notice.
Alcohol and calculas dont mix. Never drink and derive.
Want to confuse people this Halloween? Wear a Santa Claus suit as your costume.
Ever been so drunk you ate a frozen burrito?
Everytime I lose a sock I gain a Tupperware lid.
Keep your friends close and your enemies closer, and the box of chocolate chip cookies preferably within arm's reach.
If I ever choke to death on gummy bears, can we just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that?
Cardi B is a former stripper. Prime example of why the expression “Don’t quit your day job” was created.
Paradox: When you get two pairs of Doc Martin shoes for your birthday.
n't it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture. 