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Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it. 
Spider-Man : Can I be in the Avengers now? ... Captain America : Ummmm, sure... Spider-Man : What can I do?... Iron Man : You OK with Web-design?...
I think the only way I’ll ever be motivated to go to the gym is if I’m in prison.
Just got carded at the liquor store. Set my keys down to get my ID and the guys says "Never mind, that Blockbuster card is good enough for me".
I don't know about sexual healing, but trust me, sexual resurrection does NOT work....
Relationship Status Update On Tuesday: Slept with laundry last night I was too lazy to fold.
Look at you your in perfect shape……………for a circle.
Dear Weekend, I swear the weekdays mean nothing to me. You're the one I want to be with.
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
My service dog refuses to go out of the house without his service squirrel.
I'll punch you and take your taco.
Crap, I accidentally said Happy Mother's Day to my mother in person instead of writing a paragraph on social media. I feel like such a tool
If you are a man, no matter what you do or don't do, there will always be at least one woman somewhere on this planet who is angry with you for a reason you know not.
I tried to throw a yo-yo away. It was impossible.
I decided not to vote for President this year because if I am gonna waste my gas then it better be something important like driving to Chick-Fil-A.
Mom don't worry, we were in rehab together.
We like turtles because they're so chill. They don't hurt anyone. They're just like, "Hey man, I want to swim, and maybe eat some lettuce."
If there isn't a huge mess to clean up after cooking or sex, you're doing it wrong...
.... In a world where people don't understand the consequences of their actions ..... People shall be hurt .... and People shall perish .....
*tries getting in touch with my feelings*...... *goes straight to voicemail* 