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Netflix and panic attack? 
People should never judge Lance Armstrong for being on drugs in the Tour de France races, when other drug addicts have a harder time finding their own bike.
When someone thinks I'm paying attention to what they're saying, but really I'm just thinking about tacos.
"What?!?! You mean to tell me spoons don't actually sound like airplanes?" --Babies
List of things I am good at: 1. Petting dogs.....ya ummmm petting dogs.....
Dear Girls: Happy Valentines Day!!! If a guy wants you to learn bodybuilding....it means you are the most important person is his life and he also needs a training partner.
Do you ever just look at your dog & get jealous because all they do is sleep, play, and eat....their biggest worry is when they are eating next.
“I've dissected our earlier conversation and I think I might be mad at you.” - WOMEN
Women: On a bad day, there is always lipstick.
Fact: 99% of men watch porn, 1% is lying. 1% of women watch porn, 99% are lying.
I've decided February is a trial month too, I'll sort out my life in March....
I always say "Morning" instead of "Good Morning" because if it was a good morning I would still be in my bed and not talking to people.
If you like having sex while listening to music -- always choose a live album. That way you'll get an applause every 3 to 4 minutes.
If Making a Murderer is a documentary, why was the second season confirmed?
When I offer to wash your back in the shower, all you have to say is yes or no. Not all this "Who are you, and how did you get in here?" nonsense.
My Hobbies: 1) Switching between the same three apps for hours. 2) Not speaking to anyone for days at a time. 3) Listening to the same songs I always have listened to for the last 20 years. 4) Imagining myself in situations that will literally never exist
You know the economy is bad when even the wages of sin are frozen.
Life is like soccer because my Mom signed me up for it and expects me to try my best even though I absolutely hate f*cking soccer.
College goes 0-100 real quick. You'll go from chilling for four weeks to having 3 tests, 5 quizzes, 4 speeches, and 7 papers due in 2 days.
It's Thursday and I don't need any inspirational messages to start my day, just spike my coffee and shut the f*ck up. 