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it's the people who make a party awesome, not the drinks,bro 
just thnk this Generation will never know the joy of getting a hand written letter from a loved one..
A few hours before your dentist appointment, you'll do the best brushing you've done all year.
I'm writing a book about reverse psychology. You should definitely not buy it.
I wish I was the hot friend.
Do you really know me or am I just an idea that you've built in your head?
Long distance relationships are great cuz you get to date other people in the interim.
Some people don't know anything about women. And those people are men.
mosquitoes are natures way of fighting nudity.
Whenever I feel the need to exercise, I just lie down until it goes away...
i love when rich people compliment me on things that I spent less than $5 on
I think its about time we put the movie 2012 in the comedy section...
Just looked up from my phone. Worst 5 seconds of my life.
I always treat restaurant staff with the utmost respect because they are people trying to make a living like the rest of us. Also, because I prefer my soup without spit or urine in it.
MONEY - its only the root of all evil when you are dead broke.
Wouldn't it be so disappointing if we ever come into contact with aliens, and we ask them about the mysteriousness & complexity of crop circles and they're like "Dude, we just really hate corn."
When a status starts out with “I seen”, it never ends with “in a book I once read.”
The books aren't nearly as cute once you find out Waldo is a deadbeat dad.
That very very sad moment when you bite into a chocolate chip cookie only to find out it's really just a cleverly disguised oatmeal raisin cookie.
I've been thinking, I should really get some work done today. Well, it's the thought that counts. 