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n't it weird that the majority of people taking a sh!t in a public toilet conveniently have a permanent marker on them? 
Still waiting for the best day of my life to happen...!!!
My girlfriend just texted me saying, "I want you to get me all wet when I get home ;)" So I got 15 water balloons ready.
I speak fluent apology.
Why is it cute when your 3 year old presses her nose against the glass outside the ice cream shop? Whenever I do that I'm told to back off because I'm scaring the customers.
Bar Rules for MEN: No shirt, no service. Bar rules for WOMEN: No shirt, free drinks.
I'm a fan of anything that tries to replace actual human contact.
It's been so hot my balls have stopped producing sperm to focus solely on making sweat.
Got a Straw! ...Because you ''Suck!''
A polaroid is what an eskimo takes when he wants to bulk up.
I quit cold turkey, unless it's in a sandwich, but even then, I prefer to warm it up first.
My holiday catalog fort is coming along quite nicely.
There's a styling salon down my street called "Blow Bar," and needless to say, I walked in excited thinking it was something else.
in the dictionary everything starts with e.
According to new research, too much sex can cause temporary amnesia. Finally, something that explains my photographic memory.
A blond and brunette were walking and the brunette says "look a dead bird" the blond looks up and says "where where?"
I'm pretty sure that lady from the Target ads is capable of killing anyone in her way.
If you can not see the bright side of life, polish the dull side.
According to my studies, Aliens NEVER wear pants and are all flat chested females.
I'll never be convinced there's not someone hiding under my bed just waiting for the chance to grab my ankle. 