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My therapist is letting me drink alcohol in my therapy session today, and by that I mean I'm drinking and watching Dr Phil. 
I came into this world with nothing and still have most of it.
Jimmy's life would have been so much better if he had been taught to do the Hokey Pokey rather than just cracking corn.
If you love someone, set them free. If they don't come back.....sell all their crap on Craigslist.
Just burnt my mouth on a slice of pizza and now I totally understand what betrayal feels like.
“That’s my jam” - Something my neighbour says when she’s in my kitchen.
Doggy Style. Because it gives me perfect platform to keep my laptop and finish my work.
I am woman, hear me ask you the same question a dozen different ways in the hope of catching you slipping.
Hi, my name's Ray. I'll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.... *misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag
"That's not what I meant".................... *men
I used to be f#cking stupid, but her and I broke up about 10 years ago. . .
Tuesday is Groundhog Day, I'm very excited. I get up early on Groundhog Day...... I stuff the groundhog and I put it in the crock pot on low, and by the time I get home from work it's ready to go.
Women are like puppies, if you hang around 1 for too long, eventually you'll bring it home & it will poop on everything you love.
What do you call a woman with no a$$hole? Divorced!
If you put Root Beer in a square glass do you get Beer?
Pro Tip: Every time a vegan dies, their soul gets burned into a piece of meat.
It's funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side, my best friend sleeps on their back, while my ex sleeps with everybody.
"Poverty is a death sentence," Bernie Sanders declares during Baltimore stop. Too bad Bernie doesn't feel the same way as he just fired hundreds of his loyal campaign workers.
listening to Neil Diamond Christmas music...Man when he sings I feel like he is getting ready to really kick someones a$$
My hotel shower gel includes the translation 'Gel De Douche' which totally brings me back to men's hairstyles of the 80s. 