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I like animal puns. They make me laugh until I am horse. 
Trust me ...... I can't believe I'm still here either.
Life is more fun when you are on coffee or drunk.
anyone who sleeps without having one leg out of the covers is a threat to the national security of this country
I gave my wife a couple of credit cards and now my credit score is lower than the speed limit
Ravens fans, What's does excitement and happiness feel like? Curious Redskins fan.
Imagine the first guy who built one of those big water fountains telling everyone: "I hear if you throw money in this, you can make a wish!"
I feel like I'm currently in hell's waiting room.
I think my neighbors are starting to get somewhat jaded.. No one even questioned me making snow angels. Tomorrow I'm doing it in a clown suit while playing the bag pipes.
Its about time the government enacted a law that keeps dumb and stupid people away from playing a role in society.
I love that part of a healthy relationship where you realize what a psychopath your ex was.
After Colorado legalized marijuana, Peyton Manning bought 20 Papa John's stores in Colorado. If this football thing doesn't work out, I say he's got a bright future in finance
I'm a lyrical gangster. Or I've had too many margaritas.
Jeeziz...last night the big choice was either the Grammys or the Pro Bowl. Thank God there was a Reba marathon.
If Kenny Rogers, Cher and Bruce Jenner stood right by a really hot radiator,,, who do you think would melt first?
Valentine's Day...... "My wallet ain't got time for dat!"
My Laundry's piled so high,,, it's eating Doritos & watching Chappelle's Show.
The next “60’s” are closer than the last “60’s”.
You knew how I chew when you agreed to marry me.
With enough warning, I can be very spontaneous. 