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[Jesus at the bar] "Oh, I'll just have a water" *winks at camera* 
reminding yourself you haven't got any kids is the best news ever...
Do people who work in those office supply stores steal stuff from their homes to use at work?
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes and sighing heavily and crossing her arms and holding in a fart.
I'm having a bad day. Screw you → you ↑ you ↗ you ↓ oh, and you ↘.
Mac & Cheese doesn't contain many vitamins, so it's important you always eat a bunch of it.
I don’t trust people who smile at 8AM on Mondays…
*buys Sushi for Dummies*.. *preheats oven*.. *reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*.. *turns off oven*
If you're a girl and drinks Vodka... there's a high probability, I love you.
This post will be seen by tens of people, and liked literally ones of times.
I hope the next Rambo movie is called 'Rambo No. 5' and its just Stallone dancing through the jungle shooting a little bit of this and that.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?.. Me: Siri, why did this cop pull me over? .. *gets distracted driving ticket*
Every time I go into my boss' office she tells me "take a seat". I have 14 now.
I was at the super market. I bought 2 dozen eggs. I only looked stupid pushing 2 baskets. I would have been really stupid If I put all my eggs in 1 basket.
Today I identify as someone on welfare, so I don't have to go to work right?
SINGLE GUYS: Nervous about flirting with a woman? Just remember: they're smart, confident, and aware they don't need us, so yeah, you should be worried.
I don't like your gluten-free attitude
How can a species that can splice DNA, Invented the interwebs, Star Wars & went to the moon........ STILL need signs in the bathroom to wash your hands?
I'd much rather have a sex tapeleak of me leak out, than see a video of me running in flip flops
Too many herbs have effd up my omelet.... If only I could turn back thyme... 