Funny Status Messages

   Having sex with your ex on a Thursday isn't cheating, it's a throwback.

   PRO TIP: If you post a pic of the temperature in your car on Facebook the University of Phoenix will email you a Meteorology degree.

   The girl on the flyer is never at the club.

   I'm sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they've won the Canadian lottery.

   You ever think that maybe the reason geese are always honking is because they're flying too close together?

   If I were a movie villain I'd make a bomb where the wires are all one color.

   20 years ago nobody knew what gluten was, now there are only 3 people left in the world that can still eat a bagel.

   Congrats to Lebron James for getting engaged, his fiance now leads the family with 1 ring.

   The Korean version of "Marley and Me" was probably a lot shorter...

   If you're a hacker… here's my password ●●●●●●●●●●●●●

   A tooth allegedly belonging to John Lennon is being put up for auction… you know times are bad when the Tooth-fairy needs cash...

   Once I'm finished with this last container of Cool Whip, I will be the proud owner of a complete set of salad bowls.

   You'd be surprised how people get the words "f*ck off" confused with "please continue."

   (on facebook) Friend 1: ugh, I feel so crap I hate my life. Friend 2: aww babe whats wrong??. Friend 1: inbox? Friend 2: yeah okay. Rest of us: well f*ck you then.

   Ben Franklin started 1st Colonial Printing Press using Hemp paper. Not saying he smoked it. Lots of sober guys fly kites in Thunderstorms.

   Guys socialize by making fun of each other, but they don't mean it. Girls socialize by giving compliments to each other but they don't meant it either.

   New Trojan add: When you want the meat but not the gravy.

   If you don't use 1:11, 2:22 or 3:33 when starting the microwave you have yet to unlock my level of laziness.

   Ladies that don't know what to get your man for valentines day, I have your answer...Forget the cutesy stuff!!! Get alcohol, feed him Red Meat and have sex with him wearing red and pink. Trust me I'm a guy...

   My ideal job would be getting paid by a sassy black woman to back up all her statements with "mmmhmm!" And "Hooooo Damn! Girl!"