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The only thing preventing me from smashing my alarm clock at 6am is the fact that it’s my cellphone. 
my family has Irish Alzheimers.........we forget everything except for the grudge
Sometimes girls can be funny AND hot without being psycho.... Kidding! Now come brush my hair before I burn your sh*t.
I'd never leave my wife. She knows too much.
If this country really cared about itself everyone would quit looking for work so we could get the unemployment rate down to 0%!
What horrible thing did you do to deserve someone like me?
People without jobs are so like...It's Friday?
I've started watching those crime shows on the Investigation Discovery channel and I'm really getting into it. But I don't watch them for entertainment. I watch them to get new ideas.
Dihydrogen Monoxide Containment Unit. Warning: May cause diaphoresis micturition and acute tissue hydration.
The secret to enjoying a good beer. Open the bottle and allow it to breathe. If it isn't breathing give it mouth to mouth.
Give a man a fish, and you'll feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, and you can then stick him with a crippling amount of fishing school loans
The key to a successful relationship is to love each other and make fun of the same things.
In retrospect the old song "Here Comes the Hotstepper Murderer"... Brings Oscar Pistorious to mind.
They only named it Facebook because "I can't believe I said that!" was too long
Your brain is an amzing organ. It works 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, from before birth, right up until you post a status message on facebook.
I don't understand how a dog can eat it's own vomit, lick his own butt, eat all his crap & be fine & then they eat half a candy bar & die.
Those jeans don't make you look fat, They make you look blind.
My signature sex move is paying upfront.
My doctor said, "This is going to sting a little," and then proceeded to say, "I've unfriended you on Facebook."
Does anyone have like twenty thousand dollars they don’t want? Asking for myself. 