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I got 99 problems but a restraining order ain't one because I found a loophole in one of the documents. Good Afternoon Carly. 
Did anyone else get upset when they found out that George Lucas filmed most of Star Wars here on Earth?
Multi billion dollar nba can't fix the damm AC in time for the finals.....serious!
My safe word is "more".
Sometimes you can get noticed by using wit and charm. Other times, stare in their window. Staring in their window always gets you noticed.
According to my ''Give a sh*t calendar'', tomorrow is free also!
No matter what happens, you can always count on your family. Unless you go on a killing spree...
Every relationship should be like a sunday. Soothing, relaxing, totally chilled out.
Guys - if you wanna see her boobs make her laugh. If the laughter is violent enough... sometimes they pop out.
I'm black but not "hang out with Justin Bieber to boost his street cred" black.
FYI: Frosty the Snowman is constantly screwing with the thermostat at parties
Miley Cyrus and Justin Bieber are like Clark Kent and Superman, you never see them both in the same place. . .
I hate time zones and math
Some people are just a waste of bandwidth.
I think my pet bird just called me a murderer.
To convert Celsius to Fahrenheit,, you double the number in Celsius and add thirty.. To convert someone to Mormonism,, you double the wives and add 10 kids.
How about a horror movie where if you close your eyes for even a second,, your wife steals another one of your dresser drawers?
If Bernie Sanders grows a beard, he'll be a wizard....
Just saw two construction workers sitting together and laughing. I know what they're building: Friendship.
Success is 1% inspiration 98% perspiration and 2% attention to detail. 