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I can rise, and I can shine... I just can't do both at the same time. 
I met the surgeon general - he offered me a cigarette.
just noticed that one of his neighbors has changed the name of their wireless network to "AmishOnly!"
I wish I was more mature in high school to understand all those passes made by girls.
wondering when the hell did he become a morning person
I will personally pay the exorcist to pay Anna Anka a visit.
quitting smoking is very easy , I have done it so many times
If you want to talk to me on the phone, I need at least three days notice.
The longest distance between any two points,, is the walking path of a 2 year old.
I never said I knew what was going on. Who wants that kind of responsibility?
The other day I saw a sign at the hospital that said "Family Planning" use rear entrance and I thought to myself that's great advice...
If a tree falls in the woods, but then just pretends to be tying its shoes, do the other trees notice?
Putting a lock on your moped is like putting your Crocs in a safety deposit box.
If saying a bunch of stupid crap on the internet is what life's all about, then I'm living the dream.
Why in the world is there no bacon emoji.... It's really hard to text your grocery list when there's no emoji for bacon!!
This crackheads teeth look like she's been smoking firecrackers.
I never know what to say to pregnanant women so I just say, "I like to screw too"
The only time I believe in luck is when a married man has sex.
Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
Poverty is not being able to participate in Black Friday because you don't get paid until Monday. 