Funny Status Messages

   Did I already post my Alzheimer's joke?

   too bad the minn didnt win...i wanted to see favre get a ring this year....but ok well...you brett...go ahead and retire now for and come back b4 the start of next year...

   Baby, I didn't mean it like that... Everybody knows Ho is short for Honey

   My bucket list is just the words "afford things" written in orange crayon on a paper towel.

   Congrats to Lebron James for getting engaged, his fiance now leads the family with 1 ring.

   The Korean version of "Marley and Me" was probably a lot shorter...

   If I could live my life over again, I'd do everything the same. Except for that time I sh*t my pants in 3rd grade.

   WWII Vet goes up to a Occupy Movement protester and says "When I was your age I was occupying France fighting Nazis"

   If I ever become rich and famous, I won't forget my friends. They will be a fond and nostalgic memory.

   Next time I see a dead deer on the side of the road I'm going to leave and come back dressed as Santa Clause with a sign that says, "Help, need ride."

   My ideal job would be getting paid by a sassy black woman to back up all her statements with "mmmhmm!" And "Hooooo Damn! Girl!"

   Facebook allows me to see what my life would look like if I had married my girlfriend that I had in my 20s. - Dodged a bullet there.

   Ben Franklin started 1st Colonial Printing Press using Hemp paper. Not saying he smoked it. Lots of sober guys fly kites in Thunderstorms.

   Guys socialize by making fun of each other, but they don't mean it. Girls socialize by giving compliments to each other but they don't meant it either.

   New Trojan add: When you want the meat but not the gravy.

   If you don't use 1:11, 2:22 or 3:33 when starting the microwave you have yet to unlock my level of laziness.

   Ladies that don't know what to get your man for valentines day, I have your answer...Forget the cutesy stuff!!! Get alcohol, feed him Red Meat and have sex with him wearing red and pink. Trust me I'm a guy...

   If you're a hacker… here's my password ●●●●●●●●●●●●●

   A tooth allegedly belonging to John Lennon is being put up for auction… you know times are bad when the Tooth-fairy needs cash...

   Once I'm finished with this last container of Cool Whip, I will be the proud owner of a complete set of salad bowls.