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It's sad how Wile E. Coyote is only remembered for his violence, and not for his brilliantly realistic paintings of tunnels. 
The best part about Crocs is you can wear them in the bathtub while you write the note then drop in the toaster.
Dinosaurs probably just killed themselves because the Flintstones used them as dishwashers.
I’m not really into the idea of letting a set of made up ancient rules dictate my life. Hell I'm not real keen modern laws telling me what I can and cannot do!
Bernie Sanders announced that he loves selfies. He just hasn't figured out how to take them on his rotary phone.......
The NC laws prevents male pervs from prying on women in the ladies room. Nothing to do with gay rights.
I'm just working here till a good fast-food job opens up.
his girlfriend has a black belt in cooking.... one chop and your dead
•If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror, because I bet that's what REALLY throws you into a panic.
Am I the only one that uses the bristles on an esclalator to brush your shoes?
after being put up for adoption at birth, I am looking forward to finally meeting my half sisters Patricia, and Oprah.
Fat people are hard to kidnap!..
If you don't like me remember it's mind over matter; I don't mind and you don't matter.
What do BP executives and my wife have in common? Neither has done any real pipe work in 54 days.
"Okay! Well who's ready to help me set this entire house on fire?" - Me, if I hosted "Hoarders," five seconds into every episode.
Stop takin pics with yo Income TAX/Grant Money from school. You Broke
Egyptians Gone Wild
The bad news is radiation is now pouring from two plants in japan, the good news is Godzilla could be a real possibility in a few years.
thinks facebook should be responsible for funding all these foreign wars it keeps getting us into.....Pay up, Zuckerburg!!!
I walked by a tanning salon yesterday and at the door was a black dude handing out flyers and he wore a big card that read *I GOT MY TANNING HERE!!!* 