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I danced like no one was watching. Court date is pending... 
There's a fine line between tan, & looking like you rolled in doritos.
If I worked at a restaurant on Valentine's Day I would put a fake engagement ring in every girl's drink.
If my erection lasts longer than four hours, SHE's the one who's going to need to see a doctor
Oh the weather outside can bite me. My car won't start to spite me. I can't feel my freakin' nose. Winter Blows Winter Blows Winter Blows
If you listen very carefully, you can hear Monday sharpening its claws.
It's all fun and games until you notice the *rocket* in your son's Lego launchpad came from the drawer in your nightstand.
Ziplock: making a fortune off potheads since 1980
What's the difference between a Ferrari and an erection?... I don't have a Ferrari right now.
I've never been that "Super Thug gangsta, keep going to jail type of black guy" I'm more of a "keep a steady job, continue college, love God and my country type of black guy" regardless I still love fried chicken and watermelon.. keep it real my friends
One of the guys that dated Taylor Swift should write a song called, "Maybe You're The Problem."
I love it when people call me at 3 AM. "Hey, are you asleep?" "No, I'm skydiving."
Dear kanye west, Roses are red. Violets are blue. If Justin Bieber wins another award you know what to do.+++
I'm thinking of re-releasing my old statuses in 3D.
Did I already post my Alzheimer's joke?
too bad the minn didnt win...i wanted to see favre get a ring this year....but ok well...you brett...go ahead and retire now for and come back b4 the start of next year...
Baby, I didn't mean it like that... Everybody knows Ho is short for Honey
My bucket list is just the words "afford things" written in orange crayon on a paper towel.
Year 2050 Son: "Dad,how did you meet mom?" Dad: "Aaah my son..... it all started with a friend request on facebook."
going to win the lotterey tonight...no sorry, got that wrong! Going to have sex with my wife. I get them confused as the odds are pretty much the same
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