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I was the best man at the wedding. If I'm the best man, why is she marrying him? 
Switched my GPS to the male voice. Got tired of it announcing turns after we'd passed them and telling me to stop and ask for direction
Takes 6 days to come and then stays for just 1 day - Damn Saturday!
Traffic lights are society's way of mocking the colorblind.
Wish you were here w/me n my room, on my bed, lights off, under my sheets. So that I can show you my new watch dat glows n da dark!
reminds you that when someone says "Facebook is a waste of time", what they are really saying is, "I'm too lazy to try something new".
I think Girls are like drugs, they make you feel soo good, but then they end up hurting you and you still want more.
If girls just wanna have fun, then why do they get upset when you don't want a relationship afterwards?
Life is like a doughnut. You're either in the dough or in the hole.
You broke my heart into several pieces. Good! Now I can give it to several girls.
Chris Isaak may replace Simon on Idol. My vote is for Mel Gibson. How great will it be to hear him call a contestant a “c*nt, b*tch, wh*re?”
Him: "A wizard is never late, babe. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to." Her: "You're not fooling anyone, that was premature ejaculation and you know it."
loves Fridays but Friday the 13th is so stressfull. You have to watch out for black cats, don't walk under a ladder, open an umbrella inside and watch out for guys named Jason with machettes.
Video game truths: anyone with a lower score than me is a loser and anyone with a higher score is a loser with no life!
had the urge to clean today untill I turned on NFL REDZONE. The urge soon passed, I did clean my plate off at lunch time......does that count?????
welcome to walmart.......get your sh*t and get out
go to Google and push the play button. You're Welcome:)
-I would stop eating chocolate but i'm not a quitter!
Thinking About That Special Girl Who Is Probably Reading This Right Now.
I cant understand why constipated people dont give a crap 