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Beauty is in the eye of the Beer Holder 
When you find the right person, you shouldn't even be able to tell the difference between being "single" or in a "relationship". That's the key.
In light of the higher gas prices, the rapper "Fifty-Cent" will now be known as 1/16th of a Gallon. That is all...
Yeeeehaaaaaw! I just won the Rolling Office Chair Derby!!! Crossed the finish line backwards while giving my opponents the double bird.
I think I'm going to start taking steroids. I don't care about muscles, I just want to be able to cross my legs more comfortably.
I hate people who use mad gay phrases that rhyme, like "What's shaking bacon?" it makes me go insane in the membrane.
I bought a teethbrush.... It's actually has saved me a lot of time.
Hey, if y'all have any good vegan Thanksgiving recipes please rip them up and burn them cause that's freakin' gross.
No one likes laying in the wet spot but everyone loves making one.
Just because it was funny last year, does not make it funny this year for you!
You remind me of my big toe.. Why?..cause I'm going to end up banging you on my coffee table...
Whose cruel idea was it for the word lisp to have an "s" in it?
Dear Dad, thanks for not pulling out. Happy Father's Day!
It's Friday, Yay the weekends here...<BLINK> Monday? WTF?
You're laughing because I'm laughing, but I'm laughing because I farted.
I'm watching extreme makeover: home edition in an attempt to invoke an emotion response from my cold and numb soul.
had some sushi for lunch but it seemed a bit undercooked
hard at work trying to crate train my hamster but, he just doesn't get it...so ive decided to train him to use the litter box!!! and who better to teach him than my cat.....
knows that the bird is a word.
dear inventor of 5 hour energy. please make a coffee flavor drink so I can add it to my coffee 