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roses are read violets are blue dont wear a pony tail while training shamu, 
The turkey that President Obama will pardon this Thanksgiving is from California. The turkey said, “I don't need a pardon. I need a job.
Bombs are falling on Syria again, the kids are still in the cages, the $2,000 checks are still AWOL... But hey, at least Mr. Potato Head is now gender neutral!
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
No one is above the law, especially the president.
When I die, I'm hoping that I have left a mark. As long as it's not in my underwear.
A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle!
--- I hate farmers, the're always spreading sh*t
okay here it goes.. like this status.. and I'll drop kick you down some steps then stab you with a fork
issuing a warning ,Red Bull will not give you wings
Don't call yourself a pitbull and then act like a gay chihuahua.
Obama banned from Call of Duty for using unlimited drone strikes cheat. Biden’s in the corner with a SNES controller making airplane sounds.
Quick question, ladies: If you shave your eyebrows off and then draw them back on, then what are you actually doing?
A guy is on a tightrope between two skyscrapers. Another guy is getting a smokejob from a 90 year old lady. What are they both thinking?...Don't look down.
Dear Facebook: If I have 62 friends in common with someone and we're still not friends ... it means I don't like them!!! Take a damn hint.
When someone says to me "hi how are you" I say "high how are you" and they never seem to get it.
The f***ing thing I f***ing like the most in the f***ing english language is that you can f***ing put the f***ing word "f***ing" every f***ing place you f***ing want.
I believe in whatever makes me happy without making other people sad. That's my religion.
.... Turns out those Hillary and Bernie signs make really great firewood .....
I bet aliens would visit us more if will smith didn't punch them in the head as soon as they got here. 