Funny Status Messages

   Its that time of year to find out what your friends with pools have been up to since last year.

   I already want to take a nap tomorrow

   I am still sitting here completely in Awe of how Samuel L Jackson is going to be portraying Martin Luther King, Jr. I can picture it now, "I had a dream mother f*cker!"

   Fun Fact: There's more time spent installing Adobe updates than the actual use of Adobe.

   I want that job where you push scared skydivers out of planes.

   Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to these people? Why don't they put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while delivering the mail?"

   When I see an argument on Facebook, I sit there refreshing the page while thinking to myself, "This is gonna be good!"

   heard that people who talk to themselves tend to be extremely smart. Did you know that? Yes, I did know that.

   Seems like most rioting in the world happens in the countries with the least bacon.

   All this time I thought Bi-Polar was big white bear with no sexual preference.

   The Wizard of Oz is 70 years old. Today, if Dorothy were to encounter men with no brains, no hearts, and no balls, she wouldn't be in Oz. She would be in congress

   I hate when I'm spying on someone while they're showering and they let out a huge fart. What a sicko.

   I hate Walmart. The men's bathroom doesn't have any urninals! Just a bunch of women screaming telling me to get out

   Kids, when I was your age, the ENTIRE family shared one phone, and it was attached to the kitchen wall by a cord. We couldn't even update our Facebook status from it.

   Sometimes I think Facebook is trying to insult me by some of its friend suggestions.

   When the checkout person tries to put your toilet paper in a bag, tell them it's 'for here', not 'to go'. Then ask them to hurry.

   Oh didnt I tell you? Must have been none of your f*cking business."

   wants to write "Navidad" under the "For Lease" sign up the street.

   Don't think of yourself as an ugly person. Think of yourself as a beautiful monkey.

   ladies, regardless of where you like it...just don't ask us to hold it.