Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   I don't give a crap, but If I did give out crap. You'd be the first person I'd give it to.

   Being funny on Facebook at 2 a.m. is like seeing a UFO... no one gets to see it or believes you.

   99% of relationships involve tolerating how weird the other person is.

   I have a friend who is a Jehovah's Witness. He tried to tell me a knock knock joke and got all pissed off when I ignored him.

   The hardest part about being an adult is trying to hide how you're still a child.

   Febreeze should make a scent powerful enough to remove wtf is that awful smell, instead of just wtf is that awful smell plus Febreeze.

   People who describe things as "better than sex" are having the wrong kind of sex.

   Life is so much easier with a sense of humor.

   Just reminding everyone that it's Monday, just in case any of you were feeling overly optimistic.

   I wish I had sex as often as I get screwed.

   I got this really cute girl's number today. I'm starting to think that I should get into car accidents more often.

   Almost time to get me a bag of assorted candy. Last year I got mine from Batman. Superhero my ass. He wasn't as tall as I expected... and he cried like a little kid.

   All my life I thought air was free.... until I bought a bag of potato chips

   I don't think Oprah has driven herself anywhere in the last 25 years. Her don't text and drive advice is like her giving marriage or parenting tips.

   You don't get old, you just become a classic.

   The only time I ever nap is after hitting the snooze button. I took 32 naps this morning.

   Sometimes when I see people I havent seen in a while, I think to myself... "Yeah... He's definitely been smoking crack."

   My home security system is just 15 motion-activated Big Mouth Billy Basses.

   I hate that heart attack moment when you miss a step on the stairs. It makes you cherrish life there for a moment.

   The fastest way to succeed is to look as if you're playing by somebody else's rules, while quietly playing by your own.