Lemonpillow Funny Status Messages

   I played a country music song backwards. I got my truck back,my house back,my dog back..

   Sex appeal is made up of 50% of what you got and 50% of what people think you got.

   LIE: A very poor substitute for the truth, but the only one discovered to date.

   BREAKING NEWS: Barack Obama knocked down by reversing car. The American people are asking the driver to come forward.

   Last week I sent my friend a pile of snow. I called her today and asked "Did you get my drift?"

   All you need is love. And Valentines Day is the perfect time to buy lots of things to prove it.

   I think it's funny when someone updates their status with a depressing quote or about something bad that happened, and then people “like” it. The “like” button has become used more than a gas station bathroom.

   I bet the homeless are really nice people. They never wake up on the wrong side of the bed.

   If George Washington never told a lie...then how did he get elected?

   What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.

   Did you hear about the new Austalian diet? It's called Swim Fast.

   Alcohol is the cause of some problems and the solution to others.

   Paddy and Murphy walking down the road when Paddy finds a mirror He looks at it and says, "I'm sure I've seen this man before!" and then passes it to Murphy. Murphy then says, "You stupid idiot! That's me!"

   Sometimes I fall asleep at night with my clothes on. I'm going to have all my clothes made out of blankets.

   ..wonders what the best thing was BEFORE slice bread came along.

   I was just told that it takes three sheep to make one sweater. Wow. Thats shocking. I didnt know sheep could knit.

   ..thinks having bags under your eyes is no big deal. It's finding the shoes to match is the real problem!

   Bachelors know more about women than married men, that's why they not married.

   Only Robinson Crusoe had ever everything done by Friday.

   Rick Astley asked me if he could borrow my collection of Pixar films."Okay," I said. "You can have Toy Story, Cars and Finding Nemo but I'm never gonna give you Up."