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My account has hacked, but if you receive an inappropriate message, it was probably still me. 
direct deposit: $1400 me at Nike: you do it.
Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones... Hmmm,, You may NOT want in a phone that sets itself on fire,, to be water resistant guys.
If your phone is autocorrecting kindergarten to Kardashian, the world is not wrong, it's your search habits.
If God gave you a good singing voice, you should sing loud in church to give thanks. And if God gave you a not-so-good singing voice, you should sing loud in church to get back at Him.
NASA announced that the Earth-like planets orbiting Trappist-1 already has about 300 Starbucks on them.
I had lunch today with a chess player. I asked him to pass the salt and it took him 20 minutes.
I can picture it now. Xi says in Chinese "look at this fat idiot attack that chocolate cake." And then the interpreter says in English "we agree that this meeting has been very useful".
Two Franciscan priests opened a Long John Silver's franchise. One was the fish friar and the other was the chip monk.
I love ruining the plot of Dorian Gray for people. Never gets old.
My doctor put me on a low sodium/no alcohol diet recently. I've lost 6 pounds so far... I also know joy weighs 6 pounds now.
I don't care what anybody else says. "You're a Mean One Mr. Grinch" is the greatest diss track ever written.
Don't you hate it when someone is willing to take the credit when something is a success, but when it’s a FAILURE, it’s ALWAYS, somebody else’s fault?
Still waiting on the "Once you go black, you never go back" episode of Mythbusters.
We are 3 months into 2019 and it's still January
I thought my pet rock was sick... Turns out it was just stoned
When Robert E. Lee was in high school, was he voted as Most Likely to Secede?
I don't understand people who say the moon landings were fake? I mean what did the government spend the 24 billion dollars on? To pay hundreds of thousands of people working on the Apollo program to sit around and play checkers?
If you can't handle me at my [vomits] Then you don't deserve me at my [passes out] 