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Like Icarus flying too close to the sun, I begin to regret eating that third breakfast plate at Shoney's. 
I didn't get drunk enough last night, I can still remember working.
I got bone spurs, that jingle jangle jingles.....
Do Millennial kids just trick or treat online?
My mother in law won "best decorated house" yesterday for Halloween?..she was only opening the curtains?
My mother-in-law sent me the link to the site where you can buy a boarding pass to Mars. She even offered to pay for the ticket. That's so sweet of her.
Word of the day: Ididarod - Monica Lewinski's autobiography.
I don't see any way for the Eagles to beat the Patriots now that Glenn Frey passed away.
The Tide commercials during the Superbowl were not a hit with older folks but the kids are them up
my ex was so obsessed with her horoscope. its what Taurus apart.
HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner? ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
I can't be the only one who’s first instinct when a fly lands on their computer screen is to try to scare it with the cursor.
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up. Stools: OK!
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
today I'll be celebrating MLK day...I'm going to sleep in late & have a dream
Did I miss the Superbowl again? Darn that's like 20 years in a row.
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies. 