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Around here we commonly refer to our intellectual property as 'our sh!t'. 
The best girlfriend to have is sleep because you'd get some every night.
Don't hang onto what you can live with; grab a hold of what you can't live without!!!
Father Jim inspired me to confess with a lighter attitude. From now on, it's "Bless me, Father, these sins are gonna crack you up!"
Weird to think we're just sixteen years away from Snooki being a grandmother.
I started a support group for introverts but nobody came.
I can tell when someone is lying just by the simple fact that they begin asking a question by saying "Quick question".
Please touch this. ~MC Hammer, 2012
Sadly, I don't think everyone ever wang-chunged on any night.
spring is just around the corner, the bums are migrating back up north.
I sleep naked, I don't care what the stewardess say's.
When 2 people are meant for each other- they stupidly get married!!!!!!!!!!!!
The only reason I never click on the shemale category is I really don't want to run the risk of discovering it turns me on.
ChrEasters people who only go to church on Christmas & Easter
Four words that I never want to hear: There is no food.
My doctor told me that I'm healthy enough for sex but he thinks it would ruin our relationship,, and since things are already kinda strained ......... No..
Great news, everybody -- my pants aren't tight anymore! (I finished eating all the breadsticks I smuggled out of the Olive Garden.)
The animal responsible for the most human deaths worldwide is the mosquito.
"You're looking festive today" is not a compliment.
Why is it that on Sunday when I say ”I can't, I have to be good at work tomorrow” I do anyway and I'm never good at work tomorrow? 