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I don't know about you, but I can't wait to be ashamed about what I do this weekend. 
I got a lot of support from my parents. That's the one thing I always appreciated. They didn't tell me I was being stupid; they told me I was being funny.
Don't drink to drown your sorrow. Sorrow knows how to swim.
With the amount of talking they do, why aren't women better rappers?
Life is a jingle as long as you are single. Once you are double you are inviting trouble.
He said: I'd like to get into your pants. She said: No thanks, one a$$hole in here is enough.
Advice to remember: when people say, "Word to the wise," they generally mean, "Word to the stupid."
Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they said *how* people died.
Faldo..go eat a snickers. yyou're stupid when you're hungry.
*stands under White House windows holding a boombox & blasting War Pigs at full volume*
The lap of luxury is comfortable, but the arms of delusion are snug.
9/11 was yesterday? I couldn't forget if I wanted too
Was not impressed by iPhone 5 which just made me realize how important Steve Job was to Apple No thanks I am quite content with my 4s
Marriage Tip: Try not to leave a footprint on your spouse's ass as they get out of the car when you drop them at the airport.
Of course I do respect the dead. I don't respect anyone unless they are dead anyway.
Some kid keeps prank calling me so he just got the "Liam Neeson Speech" from Taken. I'm sure his parents will be calling soon...
Hollister should offer complimentary gas masks and ear plugs when you walk in the store
There will be no sandwiches after sex. There will be either sleep or death. Enough with the sandwich talk.
Being unattractive is just playing the dating game on hard mode.
You're born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn't finished. 