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doing situps with a stomach virus isn't the smartest thing I have ever done! Time to call in CSI to get this mess cleaned up 
Will the person who keeps the electronic eye attatched to the toilets real sensative, please quit. I want to use the bathroom, not a bidet.
Condoms are like newspapers....sure they are filled with good stuff today but you sure don't want them around tomorrow...
I'm not sure why, but to me Cheerios sound like the happiest of all circular shaped cereals.
Nothing Says You Are Celebrating the Birth of Our Nation, Like Blowing Up a Small Part of It!!!
Suffering from male pattern drunkenness.
1 in 5 people are Chinese. I wonder if my mom and dad know which one of my brothers it is?
walking on sunshine...and it kinda burns
Anybody can make a mistake. It takes real dedication to make all of them.
Montana Fishburne was a prostitue. Wow, a hooker AND a porn star! Or as Charlie Sheen would call her, “Perfect!”
MSN has an article asking "is it time to break up with your doctor"? Any time you feel two hands on your shoulders during your rectal exam.
If your girlfriend's driving you crazy, it's probably because it's the only kind of driving she's good at.
Screw love? No, screw the person who made you think that way.
If you don't have a job you can be homeless but if you do have a job you will be home less. Society, you just can't win.
I'm making a list of regrets. Just to be sure I'm accurate, what's the name of Justin Bieber's first album?
B!tch don't flatter yourself. You're not even on my radar.
We threw the body in the river. Then he just shrugged and asked if I ordered pizza yet. That's when I knew we were best friends.
Pull your skirt down, sweetie. Your daddy issues are showing.
My 80 year young mother in law and I are fighting over who's gonna drive to the strip club..... priceless
Dear people that celebrate whenever they acquire a new "hater", add ME to the list. 