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Imagine if trees gave off WiFi signals. We'd be planting so many trees we'd probably save the planet. Too bad they only give off oxygen we need to breathe. 
Don't worry Bernie supporters, there's a good chance Bernie will run as Retirement Home President sometime in the near future.
Bruce Jenner can transition into whatever he/she wants to. All I ask is that his stepdaughters are transitioned into the bird $hi+ on my windshield, because I just got a fresh gallon of washer fluid.
They call it a "shower" because "aquatic masturbatorium" is too long.
Somewhere out there there's a tree, tirelessly producing oxygen so you could breathe. I think some f you owe it an apology.
BEWARE I bought the insanity workout series paid good money and I've watched it 5 times still haven't lost a pound. I'm gonna go get a BigMac and fries sit and watch it one more time! if I don't lose any weight I'm gonna take it back on the way to Dominos
WHAT DO WE NOT WANT? -no scrubs! WHERE DO WE NOT WANT THEM? -hangin out the passenger side of his best friends ride
Every time one of my kids complains that the internet is slow, I feel like I'm not adequately preparing them for the real world...
I just gave my "friends list" a good douching. It's been a while, and it was getting a little funky with all of those people in there.
No, I don't have a bathrobe. I'm not some billionaire.
(Around campfire with flashlight on face).... "Then they realized,, Adele was calling from inside the house!!"
If one of Santa's helpers takes a picture of himself with his cell phone, is it called an "elfie"?
How many white girls does it take to change a light bulb? I have no clue, but I guarantee they'll post a picture of it on Instagram.
I am so deep in the friendzone I have been introduced to her boyfriend's parents.
Smoke a joint before hitting a buffet to really get your money's worth... Just saying.
Are people that smoke weed and sit around on the couch all day called Baked Potatoes?
If you have feelings for me, that's your problem not mine.
It's amazing how many pedestrians confuse "right of way" with "immortality".
This hot chick is totally hitting on me, women can have Adams apples right?
Congress is making it look like the British Royal family is doing a lot. 