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Do these celebrities actually expect us to believe they're using boxed DIY hair color? Please.... 
Years ago, my girlfriend said, “It’s me or the beer!” I wonder how she doing…
I read today that when you have sex, you burn as many calories as running five miles. Who the hell runs five miles in two minutes??!!
I froze my balls off this morning. It is so cold I am not even going to go find them. They can stay there until the snow melts.
I heard that Hillary Clinton saw her shadow this morning,,, so it looks like we're getting six more weeks of pantsuits.
Girls, what's your deal with your birthday? You get one day, not a week, not a month. Get over yourself...
Just anounced if you own a MAC you can now access the Obamacare website
In hell, women are even more right.
Big shout out to fat dudes on crotch rockets for making us all laugh a little bit
I'm going to switch my insurance from Geico to Allstate, then Statefarm, then back to Geico. If i'm correct, they should owe me $950.
Well, since we can't be younger, let's be stupid.
Finally shaved my legs...donated it to Locks of Love
You heard about the snowstorm in Georgia. A snowstorm in Atlanta resulted in a 10-hour traffic jam. To which people in Los Angeles responded, "You guys need snow for that?
Colorado has legalized both marijuana and gay marriage. Leviticus 20:13 says "If a man lies with a man as he would with a woman, they should both be stoned." Wow! I've been reading it wrong all this time.
I met my ex-girlfriend’s son today and told him about how I once auditioned to be his father.
a guy on Maury found out he was not the father and said "it dont take blood to be a daddy" but actually it does. all dads have to have blood
What if Jamie Lee Curtis is still in Lindsay Lohan's body and is ruining Lindsay's reputation and Lindsay is just eating Activia and pooping?
My dog was sleeping so I put his paw in warm water. He peed all over the floor. I laughed but he's not embarrassed and I have to clean it up
Fun prank for Californians: Adjust your wiper wash to spray the car behind you, making them believe it's raining.
Happy Mother's Day, Mom. Thanks for the womb and board. 