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I always knew looking back on the tears would make me laugh but I never knew looking back on the laughs would make me cry. 
If you’re in a long distance relationship… ask for a picture of their genitals. If they’re shaved, they’re cheating on you.
If you think about it, puff puff pass is just like the grown up version of duck duck goose.
Don't mess with turtles...because sometimes, if you're Italian, they'll throw hammers at you
Watched my first Baseball Game of the year and can't understand why they sing, "Take Me Out to the Ballpark"? Duh......aren't you already at the ballpark if you're singing that song???
Girls:If you get a message from your boyfriend saying that he wants to "kick your puppy", don't call the RSPCA...He's just not very good at predictive text.
believes a day spent wasted is never a wasted day!
out making some changes in his life...leave a message and I'll get back to you. if I don't return your message your one of the changes
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
I was suppose to let you all know the Procrastinators Club will meet last Thursday......
HEY EVERYBODY ON FACEBOOK!! MAY I HAVE YOUR ATTENTION!!....i'm so humble..ok..that is all...
sending a text message and sitting the phone between their legs on vibrate..
Apple just introduced the IdoucheBag, to carry your Ipod, Ipad, and Ipone.
If Harry Potter's so magical, why cant he cure his own eyesight..
Since I'm now single, if I broke my hand could I put "it's complicated" as my relationship status?
Just invented the funnest work game ever: while on the phone with a man call him ma'am. Listening to them deepen their voices is hilarious!
if I wanted patience I would have been a doctor!
browsing dating sites for women that are "currently separated" because they will be getting lots of money upcoming divorces and are potential sugar mamas!
wonders why people only see ghosts at night? Probably the same reason UFO'd are never spotted in the city.
NEEDING HELP, and I'll return the favor. Please send me 3 sets of fishnet stockings, 1 set of furry handcuffs (with key),4 bullets for my 9mm, 1 velvet blindfold, 4 soft cords, and 2 spinners for my Caddie in Hooker Town. Thanks 