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If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with a couple police officers, you'll know it was a bad idea to set the free. 
If I never get crushed by a falling piano and walk away looking like a human accordian then life will have been a complete waste.
A man’s got to know his limitations....... Unless he’s in a relationship,, then he’ll be constantly reminded.
If your favorite color eyes is bloodshot, I'm your guy.
A friend in need is a friend in NOPE
Yes, autocorrect, of course I intended to type "thou."... That is a perfectly reasonable guess. It is the 1600's after all.
I'm "talking in your voicemail as if you could hear it like an answering machine" years old.
Just saw a K9 sheriff car with a bumper sticker that said got dope?
it never ceases toamqze me. You see someone who is friends with you on FB and they act like they dont even know you. Consider yourself un-friended Eminem.
You had me at "I'm married but..."
I hate when I comment on someone’s status and they totally misinterpret my comment and I have to explain myself.
It's all fun and games until someone breaks out the portable DNA testing kit.
Kentucky just knocked out 3 of last years Final Four teams back to back to back. Nothing funny about that!
I had a nightmare last night where no dogs would let me pet them. It was awful...
MILEY CYRUS tour officially over:-CNN. *Sighh* CNN thank you for putting it as a headline.
After random power outages happened throughout the city due to maintanence, thousands of city residents lined up to pay overdue electricity bills....well played Houston....well played
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard. Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
Sex so good, you call off the restraining order.
F'n auto correct....I typed in "I like a dark ale", but it typed, "I like a dark @$$." Now every black woman on facebook is hitting me up.
I think sometime over the weekend,, I turned the food pyramid upside down and served chips out of it 