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I was talking to this girl and she said she was looking for a nice guy,i guess all the a**holes are taken 
I don't know if anyone ever does anything as much as LL Cool J licks his lips.
there anything more capitalist than a peanut with a top hat, cane, and monocle selling you other peanuts to eat
Neighbour kisses his wife before he leaves for work. My wife asked why I don’t do the same thing. I said I always do and that’s how the fight started
I'm watching the OJ series, and I'm beginning to rethink my position......Kato really was a douche.
Everyday. thousands of innocent vegetables are killed....by vegetarians. Help end the violence now.
Everyday, thousands of innocent vegetables are killed....by vegetarians. Help end the violence now.
Spilling a beer is the adult equivalent to losing a balloon.
I tried killing a spider with glitter body spray. Now it won't stop stripping and I have to call it "Cinnamon".
How come the judge let that Hulk Hogan wear that idiotic do-rag in court?
Fact: 69% of people find something dirty in everything they read.
Sometimes you run into people who change your life forever. Bartenders, they are called bartenders.
Bring back stoner dude
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a great way to get a whole row to yourself at the movies.
I think Tampax and Hershey's should get together and offer a super pack....
It's tough watching Charlie Brown's Christmas with my dog because both us know he's never won a lights display contest...
Any salad can be a caesar salad,,, if you stab it enough.
Some people are a lot funnier when they're on fire
“Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle." Mine's against giant radioactive sloths. Yours?
If that dress isn't Gold and White I'm not living 