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Truthfully, my resume should state,, "when I feel like it" after every skill listed. 
College can make you stupid, just ask Manti Te'o.
OKAY!!! OKAY!!!...... We're prepared to meet ALL your demands!.................. Just put the sharpie on the floor, and kick it over to daddy.... Please, for the love of God,, Please?
Ha ha, my dog ate one of my diuretics and is now pissing a circle around the neighbor's Corvette ...pretty sure this means that is now his car.
You can lead a horse to water and you can lead a horse into water and you can swim around with a horse and have fun
I made a toasted cheese sandwich... I may have accidentally included the plastic cheese wrapper... I may be afraid to poop for a while
Marriage is punishment for shoplifting in some countries.
Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight. - The Swiss Army
Ever try to make a mental note but can't find anything to write it on?
I am a Privates Investigator.
If Miley ever twerks again, the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse will be unleashed.
thankful my kids taught me how to Copy and Paste...
gonna get a dog and name him naked so when people ask me where I'm going I can say I'm walking naked down the street
I have only had two loves in my life: Booze and something else
I may not be as happy as you, but I make up for it with tequila and denying my problems exist.
if silly bands make her dance... SHES TO YOUNG FOR YOU BRO
My main plan for success is that all the better people quit first.
I lose all arguments with my wife because the last time I won I didn't get laid for weeks
Sherman Hemsley, aka George Jefferson, is movin' on up. Yeah, movin' on up to a deluxe apartment in the sky. RIP George
A gentle breeze blowing through my neigbors windchime collection is the perfect background soundtrack for me taking a dump in his yard. 