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Victoria Secret Fashion Show is on, all girls are depressed right now. 
this fat free dinner taste like sadness!
There’s no relationship problem that a good tickle fight can’t solve.
Didn't the volleyball in Castaway win an Oscar?
I pondered the meaning of life once, but then I just went back to living it.
Facebook is just like soap opera, meanlingless and trival BS...
Enjoy your morning, if I am not back in a couple of hours, send a search party and what I mean by party is.. bring beer. . .
I don't think women like flowers, they just like seeing how dumb men are "this guy is actually spending money to buy a plant we won't eat?"
I was excited about spending some time on my treadmill this morning, but I don't know where I put my roller-blades. ugh.
Thanks for the sex but next time can I participate?
When I notice a stranger eavesdropping on my conversation I get really excited because for once someone other than my beer can is listening!
"Mom, when do spiders learn that if they come in our house, they'll die?"
Auto correct just changed my ex's name to deceitful sh*t talking money grubbing never in the mood for sex b*tch Weird
the irony is a group of blacks picked the white cotton guy out.....for life
I just lost all my phone contacts so please don't send me yours!
You think she's hot?you should of seen the one that got away.
Fact: People that don't like pizza are on a most wanted list somewhere.
So I danced like no one was watching. I'm currently out on bond and my hearing is next week.
Are you still a girl if you don't put a smile face at the end of a text?
Do pandas give crushing hugs? Because I think that would be a cute and emotionally satisfying way to die. 