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When someone I like deletes me, I think "Why? What did I do?" Then I eat real food, have real sex and high five real people I actually know. 
To put 1.5 billion dollars into perspective. It's $5 for every person in the US or almost enough to send 2 kids to college.
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
Enjoy watching Suicide Squad by leaving 121 minutes before it finishes....
I'm just here until I can make day drinking a full time job
If I was in a car with James Corden and he turned on the radio, I would open the door and get out while the car was still moving.
"Where are you?" must be the least used phrase in sign language
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
Last year my friend left for Paris to go to Mime school and was never heard from again...
Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.
My Therapist told me not to drink while I'm on my Meds but little does she know...
I've been off my Meds for almost a week now!
I told my boss I wanted to take some mental health leave but I was all out. He said "You're all out of leave?" I said "No, I'm all out of mental health."
There is absolutely never a good reason to substitute "anywho", for real words like anyhow or anyways...Ever...I think I would rather listen to fingernails scratching the blackboard...
Batman based his superhero name off what terrified him most. If I followed the same logic my superhero name would be "interactingwithpeopleman"
I hate when I'm watching porn and my mom walks in. what is my mom doing in this p0rn?
I wish we lived in a better world. A world where I can order mozzarella sticks, and not get judged or quetioned when I ask them to put cheese on them
I thought a skunk would be faster considering the racing stripes and all.... *continues to unload tomato soup cans at check out
Today this hot girl said "enjoy your pizza" and I replied "you too" now I can't go back there
That Claudia Schiffer must be a genius because I told a friend my plan to attain world peace, and he told me I have "Schiffer Brains."
Did you know that "Go hang a salami, Doc! Note; I dissent. A fast never prevents a fatness. I diet on cod. I’m a lasagna hog." is a palindrome? Now you do.. 