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I could never go to a hip hop concert. I never feel like saying either Hey or Ho when told to. 
The only thing worse than reading your status is having to look at your stupid ass profile picture next to it.
I stole this status... So feel free to use it and amaze your friends... They'll think you're really smart and sh*t!
In a show of support and encouragement, Brett Favre just texted Peyton Manning a picture of his pen!s.
Just realized.. I called one of my customers from work 48 times.. While trying to vote for someone on a reality tv show... Whoopsies
Sometimes I forget every thought I've ever had and stare at the phone, wondering why it's in my hand
Ahem,,,,, Now As a recovering kleptomaniac,,,, I know how to take a joke.
all I want for christmas is you... just kidding, get me diamonds.
it okay to fake my own death just so I don't have to spend Christmas with my family?
Merry Christmas! Or as my grandma always says, "there are whispers coming from the poinsettia again."
Stop lookin at what you ain't got and start being thankful for what you do got
Did you know if you say "beer can" with a British accent, you have also just said "bacon" with a Jamaican accent?
I think it's cool that our galaxy is named after a chocolate bar.
I've always pronounced duct tape as duck tape.
I have Pinocchio nipples. When I tell a lie, they poke out.
Nobody Dates Anymore, Everybody has a ``Thing" with someone
Open-toed boots are the mullet of ladies' footwear.
I will do anything humanly possible to reach the remote without getting up
about to go eat me some vegetables ... which according to Congress is now a pizza
A wise person knows when to play the fool. Like when women flirt or cry to get out of speeding tickets. 