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We cannot allow gays to marry! It would destroy the sanctity of our prestigious divorce rate. 
I'm from England and have no idea who ray rice is....
"There's more than one way to skin a cat." -Chinese restaurant proverb
"No, size doesn't matter" She says removing the cover from the forearm sized gas powered vibrator.
"As his plane was about to crash, the golfers on the course were heard yelling "FORD !!!!!!! "
Missed Connection: You were standing at the RedBox. I was in my car self pleasuring. I accidentally honked like 8 times.
You know it's cold outside when you go outside and it's cold.
when I heard the news of LAX's shooting first thing that came to my mind was "Kanye had enough!"
in other countries they riot against brutal dictators, in America we riot when our sports team wins a championship
■Women are angels, and when someone breaks their wings, they continue to fly…on a broomstick. They're flexible that way. ツ
I bet george bush woke up with a hard on for the first time in 35 years
I saw a guy with an eye patch today, so of course I had to ask him how the fun and games were before the injury.
Thanks to Facebook, I now know what everyone's bathrooms look like, one mirror at a time.
I would of had a better comeback but I left the come back in your mother
I JUST GOT LAID THIS MORNING!................ Unfortuanately it was at a 7/11 gas pump :(
My uncle was diagnosed with terminal cancer last month, but all my Facebook friends changed their status' for an hour and now he's going to live a long and fruitful life.
Yesterday the house was clean, sorry you missed it.
The guys who ask a woman if they can kiss her are the same rookies who wear socks during sex.
Barack Obama's in training for a second term of office. He says if he's elected President he will also consider hunting vampires.
"What did I do?" -- the horse you rode in on. 