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God wants spiritual fruit, not religious nuts... 
Note to vegetarians: My food poops on your food. Enjoy that salad!
trying to think of a good way to show off to everyone the superman underwear I got for Christmas.
Back in my day they never shut our school down for snow.. They just moved the school and made us walk further..
I just had to ask myself, "What would a competent person do in this situation?"
People are so worried about what they eat between Christmas and the New Year, but they really should be worried about what they eat between the New Year and Christmas.
I think people would be less likely to piss me off if they knew how much I watch Forensic Files
I choose my outfit with great care every day, because if today is the day I become a zombie, these are the clothes I'll be wearing forever.
If I ever mess anything up I am just gonna say, "It's not like I sung the national anthem wrong in front of the whole world or something."
Welcome to Facebook where whine is served 24 hrs a day.
Wow! I just had a multiple sarcasm...
I wish I could commute by roller coaster.
IN CASE OF FIRE: Please exit the building immediately before updating your Facebook status about it.
My girlfriend told me yesterday, "You only ever hear what you want to hear!" "Thank you," I replied. "I have been working out."
The show "Toddlers and tiaras" was named that way because "Strippers in training" and "Mothers with self esteem issues" just wasn't as catchy.
I wish the mailman would come to my house at the same time as the garbage man so he could give my mail directly to him.
My box of animal crackers says "May contain nuts." So I'm inspecting each animal before I eat it...just in case.
Your manners slowly disappear the more you have to repeat something. Example: Can you pass the salt? The salt, can you pass it. No. The SALT. GIVE ME THE SALT!
Ya know those signs you see in towns that say, "Drive careful, we love our children?" Well DUH, you're not gonna see a sign that says, "GUN IT, WE'LL MAKE MORE!"
My doctor said I need to workout with dumb-bells. Would any of you like to go jogging with me? 