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Note to vegetarians: My food poops on your food. Enjoy that salad! 
trying to think of a good way to show off to everyone the superman underwear I got for Christmas.
Back in my day they never shut our school down for snow.. They just moved the school and made us walk further..
I just had to ask myself, "What would a competent person do in this situation?"
People are so worried about what they eat between Christmas and the New Year, but they really should be worried about what they eat between the New Year and Christmas.
I think people would be less likely to piss me off if they knew how much I watch Forensic Files
I choose my outfit with great care every day, because if today is the day I become a zombie, these are the clothes I'll be wearing forever.
Ya know those signs you see in towns that say, "Drive careful, we love our children?" Well DUH, you're not gonna see a sign that says, "GUN IT, WE'LL MAKE MORE!"
My doctor said I need to workout with dumb-bells. Would any of you like to go jogging with me?
I've managed to keep a plant alive for 6 months now, so obviously I'm ready for a relationship.
If I ever mess anything up I am just gonna say, "It's not like I sung the national anthem wrong in front of the whole world or something."
Welcome to Facebook where whine is served 24 hrs a day.
Wow! I just had a multiple sarcasm...
Ladies would you prefer a man to just say, "I just want to have sex with you" from the start?
I wish I could commute by roller coaster.
IN CASE OF FIRE: Please exit the building immediately before updating your Facebook status about it.
I just watched a mattress commercial where the lady said, "It feels really good, no matter what position I'm in".....Why can't I meet a woman like that????
I can't wait 'til I'm rich enough to throw things away that accidentally fall in the toilet.
I wonder what the person I`m going to marry is doing right now
Whenever I need a moment to myself, I just go on MySpace.
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