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This lady on the highway is driving like a maniac & she has kids in the car. Lady I'm not following you. I want to watch Ice Age too. 
You know you had a good night when you wake up with one less friend and one new useless Ebay purchase.
People are funny. They spend money they haven't earned, to buy things they don't need, to impress people they don't like.
referring to Thanksgiving as "Turkey Day" gives turkeys a false sense of accomplishment.
Wednesday a blood relative of Monday!
Hate it when insurance companies sends the settlement with my name mispelled and right address..
Alarm, snooze, check Facebook...
Just had my first-ever bowl of porridge & the first one was, in fact, too hot.
perhaps he should stop singing the teenage mutant hero turtles theme song its really freaking everyone out here at the aquarium
there really a need for constipation medicines and stool softeners in a world where burritos and tacos exist?
All the things I really like to do are either immoral, illegal, or fattening
They should invent a game for people with bad breath.. I would call it "Taste the Colgate!"
Ladies: Why do you wear engagement rings to let the world know that you are taken and off the market while your man doesn't wear any? How are the opportunistic man-stealing predators suppose to know he is taken?
"Now how is he gonna read that magazine all rolled up like that?"... thought the spider.
I'm an apathetic sociopath - I'd kill you if I cared.
You're as useless as pants on a hooker..
You're the joke, I merely provide the punch line..
I need a woman who understands me, Not one who criticices me for arranging my Beanie Babie's by phylum.
Accidentally quoting lyrics may be funny or embarrassing, but in the end, it doesn't even matter.
If Patrick Star was running for president, his motto could be "We should take all of our problems, and move them somewhere else!" 