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The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, “You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.” 
I think I'm ready for a man in my life again. I cleaned out one drawer...in the kitchen, two inches of hanger space...in the hall closet and enough room for one pair of shoes...on the porch.
TCP/IP, UDP, the seven layers of the OSI Model, encapsulation, decapsulation, data, packets, frames, bits, subnets, routers, switches, RIP, Gateways, and many other things have stolen my sanity this evening, and I don't even care.
trust is like a mirror you can fix it if its broken but you can still see the crack in that mother fuckers reflection!
instead of fighting over healthcare the government should give everyone skittles because they make everyone happy!
Australian scientists are releasing photos of never before seen deep sea creatures.In related news, BP is releasing photos of never to be seen again sea creatures.
Just heard that Snooki was picked up by police for disorderly conduct.. apparently she was caught "orange-handed"
My son has painted the most beautiful mural. On the side of our house. His new family will be so proud.
People who say they give 110% are not only c0cky, but incredibly bad at math. 110% is impossible, you idiot.
I always like to keep a "trial size" hand sanitizer with me at all times. Not to keep my hands clean, but in case I have to "fake" sneeze on the back of someones head for being an idot or slow.
placing myself in "TIME OUT" until I am able to play nice with others!
Great! My Mayan doctor just said I have less than a year to live ..
The stock market continues to go up, and is probably a good place to invest your money if you have any. But as good as it sounds, if I ever get any extra I'm opting for canned goods and ammo......!
Never get attached to your coworkers. You might have to throw them at a deranged gunman someday
I farted today and 4 people turned around. I felt like I was on The Voice!
A bed designed like a toaster: it just launches your unwilling body out when the alarm goes.
"I think , therefore I am"- Descartes..."I post, therefore I ham"- Me
A Bieber should've been in that car instead of a Walker.
Kanye West says he is going to be the next Nelson Mandela! Quick someone put him in jail for 27 years.
That last fart smells like why I am single. 