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Today is International Kissing Day!.....Who wants one?...Wait, let me put my teeth in First!!! 
TIP! Never wear a Santa hat with a jingle bell at the tip when trying to secretly jerk off in the women's bathroom stalls.
I took a Russian model shopping. Got her lots of stuff. She called home and I overheard her say in Russian, "Mama, he eece a verry rich man!" Good thing she couldn't read the sign that said 'Dollar General'.
If you cant take care of a baby, than dont have a baby..
a hangover is god's way of saying "you kicked a$$ last night"
it took me 8 months to teach thee tubby one to say row
Google: "I have everything!" Facebook: "I know everybody!" Internet:"Without me, you all are nothing." Electricity: "Keep talking, bitc$es."
Love the F word... Friday! What were you thinking?
A woman is like a wine: the less classy, the more you can see its box
Cashier: "Did you find everything you were looking for?" Me: "Nope - still single." Both of us: "Hahahaha!"
These Bombings in Austin Could Have Been Avoided With Bomb Control Laws... Raising Bomb Making Age to 21 & "Bomb Free Zones"
USA had 288 school shootings since 2009. In second place, we have France with 2. What are we doing wrong?
Has he made America great yet?
I think that blue wave everyone is talking about just waved goodbye! ;)
Shout out to the FBI agents watching my Facebook
Remember Kids: 'Stop, Drop and Roll' doesn't work in Hell ツ
When Egypt had no internet, it was just called Gypt.
When I text someone in the same room as me, I stare at them until they get it...
It would be funny if in the last episode of How I Met Your Mother, Old Ted tells his kids "I'm just kidding, I never met your mother. You're adopted.
Wait, did Peyton Manning get traded to the Broncos or the Falcons? 