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BTW: Is someone writing these down?... (my grandmother, after reading my status updates) 
m old enough to remember when the lamest thing in the world was to take pictures of yourself, like you had no friends
If women are never wrong, what happens if two women have a different opinion?
Everytime I see a mattress on a car, I always think it's a prostitute making a house call.
It looks like the joke will be on Hillary if she wins. She'll have to sit at the same desk Monica Lewinsky knelt under.......
All of the best mistakes are worth making twice.
Nothing describes my love life more than watching a declawed cat trying to scratch the sofa
I drink Gatorade when I'm dehydrated because it replaces lost sodium, potassium, and yellow #5.
OMG .... this is the Last Time I invite Frosty the Snowman to one of my Parties ............. all he has done all Night is Mess with the Damn Thermostat ...... who does that?!
Both my girlfriends think I'm cheating. I thought relationships were built on trust and being faithful
Amnesia sounds so relaxing.
I use to hate facial hair, but it grew on me.
Girl Pro Tip: Save up to 80% on life by being born pretty.
Knock on your neighbors door and ask if they've seen your cat. When they say no pull your cat out of your pocket and make the introductions
I like being as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth
Should Dave Ramsey's website take credit cards?.... I wonder...
Fly Eagles fly. To your offseason vacations and free agents meeting with other teams. Since you don't have playoffs to worry about.
"OMG that guy is dead!! No wait, he's okay..." - My wife's first time watching professional soccer
"I can't wait for New Years to be over!" -my liver
suge knight out here killin people, wu-tang about to drop a new album, gas under $2.... I feel like a kid again. 