Funny Status Messages

   That moment of panic when you clog someone else's toilet and you realize that don't have a plunger in the bathroom!!

   Not that I'm complaining, but I think the sales lady at the furniture store misunderstood when I told her I wanted one nightstand."

   I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he'll never have any friends.

   I just scrolled so far back on Facebook's Timeline... I wound up back over on MySpace. :(

   I need to talk to you” is the one sentence that has the power to make you remember every bad thing you've ever done in your life

   It's almost tax season. Anyone have some spare kids?

   What is love? I don't even want an answer. I'm just ecstatic knowing that at least 90% of you thought "Baby, don't hurt me."

   Eeenie meenie miney moe, Bieber's got a camel toe.

   I like to title my documents "The World" so I can feel great when I click Save

   if The Phone Doesn't Ring, It's Me.

   As I, once again, found myself glued to the riveting action of Olympic Curling, I couldn't help but see a missed advertising opportunity. Swiffer WetJet should be sponsoring the hell out of this event.

   Like Buttons: for people too lazy to post a comment.

   This world is coming to an end.. Volcanoes, floods, earthquakes, Justin Bieber..

   I see you liked my status... I accept your invitation for sex.

   Saw a bird crap on a Smart car. Totaled it.

   The best curve on a woman is her smile :) ...Hahahaha lmao! No I'm kidding, it's her boobs.

   Opposites attract, that's the trouble with being awesome

   Bands who can't afford a smoke machine should hire my wife to cook at their concert

   They say a a dog is man's best friend, but I don't even have enemies that'll look me dead in the eye while taking a sh!t on my carpet.

   Jersey Shore just got cancelled. Clearly an act of God. Your move, atheists.